I. Disclaimer - In conjunction with MDSC - McCarthy Faction, the Mike Ditka Street Crew has attempted to fully comply with all the demands of the ongoing "Flare Incident" investigation. We would like to publicly state that all information contained herein is both current and accurate according to our best knowledge. In order to secure justice for the greater whole of society, we have opened the reports on our private investigation and do so publish them here willingly.
In this time of need, we understand the importance of spreading not just information, but information containing the truth, to the public at large so that they can better understand the looming threat and prepare themselves accordingly. It has come to our attention that many of the parties actively involved in pursuing legal action have not yet closed the books on their respective investigations. We do not mean to usurp their right to a thorough investigation process, and we certainly do not mean to say "we can do it better than the professionals," but we do understand that the public -- fueled by hip hop commercials and Japanese animation -- has a short attention span and demands instant results.
In that spirit, we present the findings of the MDSC - MF internation investigation regarding The Great Flaring of Aught Five.
It should be noted that the opinions contained herein are to be read as fact. Unless you are a federal investigator. In that case, you should read this report as more of a "pretty much the truth" kind of story.
II. Principal Investigatees - While we believe that the roots of this incident run much deeper than it may initially appear, we found that due to limited resources the investigation had to focus on a few of the most likely suspects. The investigating body turned to the McCarthy Faction's "list" of godless athiests and suspected communist agitators to select the principal targets of the search.
A few of those nefarious names are listed below:
1) Any Barnburners
2) Dave Feeley
3) Andrew
4) Jeremy Goodwin
III. Investigation Techniques - Due to the fact that Jeremy Goodwin no longer resides in Chicago and the Barburners no longer exist as a functional group, our internal investigators quickly focused their efforts on the two primary targets: One Mr. Feeley and one Andrew.
As much as the committee would have savored finding the final evidence to nail Feeley, we demanded that justice be placed ahead of persona vendettas in all circumstances. With that in mind, the committee was able to uncover a series of live-action photos containing damning evidence. The photos come from an unnamed source, however we have used advanced scientific techniques and laboratory implements to verify the validity of our photographic evidence.
IV. The Evidence - The principal evidence is shown in all its step-by-step glory below:
V. Conclusive Results - The Internal Investigation Committee, officially finds that Andrew was not only the mastermind behind the entire incident, but furthermore that he was responsible for using fireworks to incite a communist crowd panic. The verdict: guilty.
VI. Punitive Actions - Decision on punishment is pending a full MDSC Board vote.
VII. Unresolved Matters - During the course of the investigation, evidence was uncovered suggesting that there was a second party involved in carrying on with the flares and pyrotechnics on the evening of Friday, October 21, 2005. We have not yet uncovered a facial image or mug shot of the offending party, but we expect to have more information soon.
In the meantime, if you recognize this man, please contact MDSC directly or local law enforcement (indirectly we presume). Please respond quickly. He may be in great danger of overreacting to events in life.
Please, for the good of humanity, do not harbor this flare-toting criminal.
Officially Approved
Mike Ditka Street Crew - M.F.
October 30, 2005
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